Monday, November 23, 2009

Road RAAAAGGGEEE

1. People who don't use their indicators
2. People who can't use round-a-bouts
3. People who drive right up my arse
4. People who think that stopping at "STOP" signs is optional
5. Pedestrians who wander out (and dawdle accross) into traffic

Inconsiderate WANKERS

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Lollypop Bobble-headed stick thins

That fact that most women have an askewed self image aside, If i hear ONE MORE rake thin bobble head complaining "oooh, I'm soooo fat" " does my bum look big in this?" even "i'm having a fat day" I'll be dragging their sorry arses straight into the nearest Maccas, Hungry Jacks, KFC etc and ramming a SUPER SIZED meal down their lollypop stick necks.


Kay?


No more wingeing

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Is it just me.....

Or is it ok to laugh when "things happen" to not very nice people?

Monday, November 16, 2009

The ladies at Vinnies think I'm Crazy

But i don't care. If i want to wear a 2nd have pajama camisole as a top because i like the feel of the fabric. I will. And if i try on mens trousers because i want pants that fit a certain way. Thats OK.
Youre getting money out of the "crazy lady" anyway, so what do you care?
That said, I do love Vinnies, and Op-Shops in general for that matter.

Dear Self....

PLEASE do not go to bed with wet, freshly washed hair.
You will wake up looking like Chewbacca.

Seriously, don't do it.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Is it just me...

Or do the dogs bark all night long when you really need your sleep?

Noisey Bastards

Friday, November 6, 2009

Introducing Heyta

I don't often mention Heyta, let alone introduce anyone to her, however, as previously discussed, THERE'S NO ONE HERE. so, i do what I want.

Have you ever seen those old Donald Duck cartoon where he has an angel donald on one shoulder and a devil donald on the other?

Heyta is the devil.

I like to think of myself as a reasonable, generous, kind - if slightly *different* person.

Heyta is in short, a nasty, mean, cruel,crazy, manipulitve slut.

No, I don't hear voices, no i don't think she's real.

Everyone has a side of their personality that they "contain" their dark side so to speak, mine just happens to have a name.

See, as a small child , I was prone to having MASSIVE temper tamtrums. Heyta was my "invisible friend" - she got the blame when things were broken, missing or nasty missives were written to family members.

Now, everytime I have an uncharacteristicly mean thought, or the urge to do something "improper" or experiance an unrealistic amount of attraction to any man that isn't my husband. I blame Heyta.

Luckily, I also have a fair amount of self control - not obviously so to other people, but if they only knew right?

Tall Tales- re Saturday 31/10/09

So, my plans for the work I was going to do this afternoon have fallen through, due to the systems I needed to access being locked off. Blah.

Ah well, instead then I will tell you a story.

Flash back to last Saturday, hubby was playing golf and needed to be dropped off at the Ferry, at the Ungodly hour of 6.00am. As it is a half hour drive from home to the ferry we catch everyday and I had other things to do in town that day, i got dressed in what i wanted to wear for the rest of the day, meaning i had to get up at 4.30am on a saturday. YUCK

Dropped hubby off, grabbed a coffee at the ferry terminal and went back into town (a 15min -ish - drive) to go to the markets for fresh vegies and fruit, by then though, it was only 7.00am. And nothing was open.

Thankfully though, ONE cafe was opening as i wandered around wasting time until the markets opened, so a cup of tea and a fruit salad for breakfast sounded like a great way to waste 1/2 an hour - luckily i has also stashed a book in my bag - just in case.
UNTIL - the footy team turned up. Bleh - I really don't think anyone needs to be subjected to sitting next to a table of still mostly drunk rugby players talling up last nights efforts (golden shower anyone - Oh. my. god. Get me outofhere!)Scoffing down the remains of my breakfast, i hurried off.

Now what to do? By a stroke of luck, I had recharged the credit on my mobile phone the previous day, so i thought to myself, "Who do i know is crazy and stupid enough to be awake at this time on a saturday?" MUM! - Sadly though, she didn't answer, plan B, MR.D! (obviously this isn't his real name but there are further stories and a HUGE back catelogue, so I won't mention his real name - just in case)
Now, Mr.D has a freaky metabolism and terrible insomnia, which allows him to stay awake almost 3 days straight and then sleep around 8 hours,- he also works nights- so chances are, he was awake.
turns out though, he was asleep. whoops. But it was great to speak to him. I havent seen Mr.D for around 4 years and I miss him terribly.
I spoke to Mr.D while getting my vegies and emerged at the car-park in shock, my brake lights were on! Someone was trying to steal my car!! - or so i thought, turns out, even though it was in "park" and the park brake was on, the lights turned off and the key in my bag - nowhere near the ignition, the brake lights stayed on, no matter what i did.
Having other things to do, i said goodbye to Mr.D and got back into my possessed car.
I drove around, running errands, had lunch with a girlfriend and STILL the lights stayed on. Grrr.
Having done what i needed to do, I went home for a few hours awaiting the drunken request from hubby to come and collect him from the ferry terminal.

Tick Tock - the hours passed.

Late that afternoon, I got the call i had been awaiting. I assured hubby that i was leaving now and would see him soon BUT
THE GODDAMN CAR WOULD NOT START
You guessed it, the battery was dead flat.
CRAP.
You see, we live IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, no public transport, Nothing.
i had to find some way of starting the car. Whatever it took.
Luckily, my hubbies car was in the drive, unfortunately though, it was at the far end of the drive, and i can't drive a manual.
So, for the better part of 20 mins, i tried to PUSH my car down the drive so the jump-leads would reach. Good idea in theory, except for the mound of crusher dust that on my lonesome i was unable to push the car over.
Then i thought, it's only a few feet, surely i could move hubbies car a bit closer.
NOT A GOOD IDEA
lucky his car is TOUGH and has a bull bar - as i neatly inserted it through the fence. woops.
Just as I was about to give up and swallow the $70 cab trip for him to catch a taxi home, my neighbour The Saint arrived home, and after we managed to together (yey team work) push my car withinn reach for the jump leads, we realized the battery was well and truly FLAT (sad, stressed face goes here)
Again, my neighbour prooved his Saintlyness (it is so a real word) and offered to let me drive his car. This goes to show how great he is, i would NEVER have done that, but he said he had a party to get ready for and it would be fine.

Terrified that I would crash his car, I drove carefully to collect hubby, until i realized i was pulling a Top-Gear, i.e critiquing the car - seems for all its problems and as frustrated as it makes me, i really do enjoy driving my own car, and it drives remarkable well. for any car. The Saint's car is a reletively new popular australian 6 cylinder and mine is a 20 year old japanese sports car. Point. Made.

Hubby poured into car, off we go.
Home again.
And they all lived happily ever after etc etc

My car is now fixed - until something else breaks, but I remain grateful to The Saint.

If a tree fell in the Forest.

Would anyone notice?

This, this is the genius in of my plan. Being such a teeney-tiney little fish in what has affectionately been referred to as the "Blog-o-sphere" - Does anyone else imagine massive sci-fi space stations when they hear this? - I more or less have the freedom to say pretty much any damn thing i want.

Because I check the counter, I can rest assured that nobody comes here but me.

And I can say anything I want - yes, yes I can.

My poor, poor hubby if often shocked at the crazy, left-fielded things that come out of my mouth, well he signed up for it after all - but still he often seems surprised. Ok, not Hannibal Lector or Emo-kid crazy, more like cat lady eccentric.
At least thats how i like to see myself anyway. And I have to consciously "tone it down" when I'm around people other than those I consider close friends, who lets face it, are a little nuts themselves - but thats what i like about them!

The point being, "filter" be dammed, I'm gonna say what i want, and just as the invisible man cruises around doing what he pleases without fear of recrimination or judgement, so shall I.